It’s been a while since I’ve posted

 

The last time I posted was in February 2021. It's been two years!! I haven't had the heart or the energy to post. But I'm back!!

My life was been turned inside out and upside down since COVID made its spectacular appearance in 2020. 

I lost much of myself in this process but have also discovered myself. I realized I was living life ruled by untrue beliefs. I stubbornly held on to those self-sabotaging beliefs for most of my life. 

I've learned a few lessons/truths/beliefs on this journey. Or perhaps these lessons/truths/beliefs found me. I'm not sure. All I know is I'm not the person I was. And I'm thankful for that. I'm loving who I am right now.  Here are a few untrue beliefs I lived by for a long time and the lessons I've learned from them at my ripe old age. 

Belief #1 - If I don't take care of myself, no one will.

Reality: There are people in this world who what to take care of me. I just have to let them. I'm not a burden and it's selfish to think of myself that way. I've taken care of people my entire life, so why would I think I'm not worthy of being taken care of by people? I've stopped being so proud and am allowing people to take care of me. I'm not superwoman and don't want to be put in that category. I'm allowing myself to accept the gifts and time others want to give me. I allow people to show me some love. I like that. I like that I'm not alone in this world. 

Belief #2 - I'll always be depressed.

Reality: Depression..... for me, it's hormones. I think I was born depressed. I fought it, lied through it, took medicine for it, and looked everywhere I could to get some help to defeat this disease. Nothing worked. Recently I spoke with a Doctor who specializes in hormones. He doesn't subscribe to the mind thought of putting a band-aid on the problem. He specializes in finding the problem and fixing the problem. I'm a new person. I no longer think about killing myself. I no longer look in the mirror and hate myself, I no longer put myself down, and most importantly, I no longer believe I'm not worthy of living my best life. 

Belief #3 - Think about what you say before you say it.

Reality: I've always been told to think about what I say and watch what I say to people. I've never been told that people will purposely say things to hurt or harm me. I learned that the hard way. I've been labeled (stereotypically) aggressive and intimidating, especially by white folks. I'm neither. People have approached me with a type of energy that, to me, was aggressive and intimidating. I usually tried to make excuses for them (they didn't mean it the way I took it). I realized if I let them get away with one statement, they think they can continue that energy.  I refuse to care about anybody's feelings and emotions when they don't care about mine. Whatever energy a person is giving me, I'm giving it back to them. My new motto is: I'm not going to be uncomfortable to make you, them, her, or him comfortable. 

I no longer ignore microaggressions, flip/slick remarks, backhanded compliments, or passive-aggressive comments, especially when they are about me or my people.  That kind of energy doesn't work with me. If you don't want the fire, don't bring the smoke, cause believe me when I say, I have the matches to get things burning. 

I've discovered so much about myself. I realize that with experience comes knowledge. It's been HARD, but I'm starting to see the growth through the pain.